Day 282... Time

Time.  This time.  My time.  That seems to be changing now.  I noticed that through the last several years it's meaning, it's passage, it's value for me has changed - some for obvious reasons and some not and I'm not sure if the perception is unique to me.  (See ?  That's why there has to be some "go-to" places and resources for people my age.)

Obviously I have less years ahead of me than behind me but I've slowed down.  Not for any other reason than "what's the hurry?"  I used to drive fast, walk fast, read fast, talk fast and now... all that... seems a waste of time.  When I was younger, especially as a mom and most especially as a single mom there was never enough time.  Managing my child, work, household, calendar, relatives, money (or lack thereof) had a sense of urgency that, although appropriate to the needs, now seem to have passed so quickly I wonder if I should or could have taken the time to appreciate it all a bit more.

By example, 1982 doesn't seem so long ago to me and then I realize my God that was thirty years ago.  It was when I finally started to come into my own (after flailing about California and other doomed explorations and experimentations).  This past August my high school class shared a reunion with a group of graduating classes from our high school - ours was the 42nd Year Reunion = huh?  I must say that does seem eons ago.  And of course my daughter, who spent years insisting I watch her do cartwheels across every strip of green grass she happened to be on is a woman with her own life now and has slowed down (I think) on the cartwheels.

We've been living in this house for almost 20 years.  All the wonderful things we loved about it and that we did to enhance it are "old" now.  I have this image of younger people looking at it (when or if we put it up for sale) crinkling their noses as if expecting to soon smell a light scent of mothballs.  Our dishwasher is noisy, the fancy dancy Thermador double convection oven's timer and clock stopped working and they no longer make the parts for that.  One burner on the oven is out of commission for the same reason.  We just replaced our water heater and apparently it exceeded its lifespan but about ten years.  And, we have the original MayTag washer and dryer that was here when we moved in.  They are noisy, probably not energy efficient -- but they work.

How could twenty years go by so quickly.  I thought I repainted the entire interior of the house so recently... NOT.  Every room is a set of different colors and now the "in" thing are neutrals and monotones of neutrals or black details throughout a home.  Well at lease we don't have wallpaper -- but it looks like some of that may be coming back (especially CHINOISERIE).  Our bathrooms are dated... And couples our age are beginning to move out of this area.  Guess we should move on...

Day 283... Therapy

I am not as confident that counseling is going to help me navigate through this "endolescence."  I'm trying it and five visits in (including 2 different [of which I fit into neither] "group" sessions -- anyone familiar with the DBT method ? -- apparently the newest and best for some) and I am still looking for support.  The 3 individual sessions were easy for both me and the therapist since I just spill everything from the moment the clock starts til I write the check.  I'm really just thinking out loud and testing the sense of what my thoughts are.

But -- the group sessions did show me something.  More of a "been there, done that".  But not in a bad way.  I listened to some 40-something-year-olds talk about conflicts with kids, husbands, and mothers (why are fathers so seldom mentioned?).  I tried to keep up with the DBT exercise application of emotional vs. practical vs. "right" or some kind of "safe" mind (in my opinion somewhat of a repackaging of things I've already learned).   What really struck me was I am past that now and eager to get on to something else that is relevant to me!  I didn't feel "old" as much as I felt experienced.  And, I am delighted to say experience, especially successful experience, is not a bad thing at all.

With that said and knowing that there are a bazillion of us babyboomers entering this particular passage of life, why isn't there more support out there?  I have looked and looked and so far besides ads for Spanx and Not Your Daughters Jeans have found nothing.  There are a smattering of other babyboomers who started blogs and then abandoned them (can't seem to find any that are in the present and all are dated earlier than 2009).  And there are some sites on "how to dress over 50 or over 60" (really dowdy too).  More magazine is a big disappointment (it's really geared towards the over 40 to early 50 from what I see), AARP is soooooo depressing and really is what it is - a lobby, albeit a powerful lobby for the older aging.

I actually spent almost 5 years at Chico's dressing women in bright colors, stand-up collars and rolled up sleeves.  That experience, although promising in the beginning, confirmed my thoughts that no one (helloooooo retailers???)  is really marketing to my age group for the long term.  We should have our own demographic!  The App Advanced Style was interesting for a while.  I love seeing older women with real style.  Actually I don't mind envisioning myself wearing red converse high-tops and large round rimmed glasses when and if I make it to eighty something. However some of his chosen subjects look more like (forgive me) drag queens rather than women embracing their age with enthusiasm and panache.  I have a Pinterest board dedicated to gray haired beauties and am always looking and collecting pins of  clothes and accessories for the fashion I am comfortable in with my new found endolescent style.   

There is nothing else.  Is there?  No font of information that tells me or shares with me or refers me to anything really relevant to this rather nebulous age of what --- 55 to 65 --- before walkers but well after 40! 

Gestation

284 days

until Sunday September 08 2013

a Sunday 9 months and 11 days from today

I will turn sixty!

And then what?  Well, right now (on November 29, 2012) I am wearing a back brace from a ridiculous accident earlier in August that I may or may not provide the details on.  My husband (61) is going for yet another blood test and then who knows so he can return to work --- or not, before the end of the year.  My 27 year old daughter is flying back to San Diego to begin her first day in a "real job" in the profession that she has studied and worked towards for the past college and graduate years.  One of our dogs is on very expensive maintenance meds, after we spent nearly $8,000 earlier this year saving his life from some as of yet unidentified immune deficiency disease, that he will probably need for the rest of his life.  We all survived two Thanksgivings this year (Thursday and then a Friday repeat for step children and their families) without much obvious drama.  And we (my husband and I) are dedicating the next year to determine where we are going at this stage in our lives (eg., downsize, follow the kids, go back to work...).

So I have 9 months and 11 days to prepare for my 60th birthday.  As it happens it is a gestation period. I hope to use this time to develop and nurture who I intend to be in my "senior" years.  That is why I label the next five years as "endolescence."  It IS the other side of adolescence.  When you are an adolescent your head and your body are going through changes in anticipation of adult life.  Now I am an "endolescent" experiencing and appreciating both physical and emotional changes in anticipation of senior life (I have arbitrarily decided that "senior" is anything post 65 years).

I am throwing out these thoughts into the ether of the internet for any and all or no one to see.  Just hoping that my own writings will help me use this time wisely (by my own definition) and prepare me for ways to appreciate the next stage of my life.