Carmela Soprano and I...

Fair Warning:  The following may be too much drama for some.

We (Carmella and I) may have some things in common (other than being married to an Italian).  When I came into the den the other night to talk to my husband he was watching the end of a scene in "The Sopranos" where Carmela had announced to Tony that she is leaving for a vacation for three weeks - without him.

I too am off soon for three weeks (Arizona not Italy - if it were Italy I would NEVER come back).  Now there are many differences here:  I am not leaving because of any quandary I have with any moral or ethical issues with my husband (e.g., Carmela was beginning to feel complicit in and unable to ignore what her husband really did for a living).  And, I am not going off on this little adventure because I found out anything awful (like affairs that Tony was always having with someone - well I certainly hope NOT).  My husband is a wonderful, loving man with a clear and deeply held appreciation for values in family and friends.  And, unlike Carmella, I am going alone and expect to be alone most of the time.

But I am going off on this odyssey solo for some of the same reasons:  introspection, self discovery, time to think (that could be dangerous with me though) and reassessment.  I do realize that I am lucky to have that privilege.  I also know that at this critical crossroad I need to do this.

This can't be all that unusual these days with the boomer generation's maturing.  My husband is about to be 62 and I am to be 60 and, hard to say here, but we seem to have completely different ideas on what this stage of our lives should be and should bring.  Some of those opposing ideas AND recent events have brought upon us some serious conflicts.  And that terrifies and saddens me.

Maybe I'll come back from this trip with a different point of view.  Maybe I'll be able to accept some of what the (at least) the immediate future will be with my wonderful husband.  I know I am being cryptic but a lot of the impetus for this trip comes from some recent personal events that can't be explained here. The irony though is that none of those recent personal events occurred between my husband and I.  Maybe I'll write it all in a book some day, change the names and a few details "to protect the innocent" and get it all off my chest.  Hmmmmm... lots of maybes here.

The absolute hardest part here is how really hurting my husband is.  Then again, that is why I am having such conflict... I have watched him be hurt (unintentionally certainly but by actions or inaction's without thought as to the consequences for him).  To say he is a loving man.... to say he is a good man... still doesn't convey the kind of open, giving, selfless person he really is.  No one has ever met him without loving him in someway (neighbors, friends, grocery store clerks, the mailman, business associates, our children's friends, our children's friends parents, anyone he may run into while running, almost everyone).  He has the innate ability of exuding this sincere warmth and care and humor with every person he meets.

I can't see myself living without him.  But... I can't see myself watching him hurt so deeply anymore by persons and things I have no control of.  I hope to come back from this trip assimilating recent events and our twenty year history in a way that renews our future together... That is something I have to work on and hope to resolve for myself by the time I get back.