Day 277... Anger

It's powerful.  Or I thought it was for much of my life.  I was angry at everything!  My mother for abandoning me emotionally.  My father for abandoning me physically.  Grown ups for being hypocrites.  Ads for lying.  Every driver in the world for anything.  Co-workers, customers, salespeople.  The guy at the McDonald's window who couldn't hear my order.  My first husband.  My second husband.  Everybody for everything.  The entire world for just not being fair.

Not anymore.  Frankly I'm not sure how much my age contributes to this compared to the medications I take and the therapy I've had.  But I am just not angry (most of the time) anymore.  First, what's the point?  It's a toxic emotion that accomplishes little.  Second, most of the time it really is a waste of precious time.  And third (this is where my maturity comes in) I don't need it as armor anymore.  Anger protected me and it empowered me --- I thought.

No one would describe me as "cheerful" or "sweet" - not then and not now - but, I've learned that what you emit generally sets the tone for yourself, your day, and the people you're with.  I spent years being sullen, sad, frenzied, anxious, and mad.  And everyone around me reacted to that.  Why on earth was I surprised that people thought I was a "snob" or intimidating or perhaps just nuts?  Now of course I care less about what people think of me (one of the privileges that comes with age) BUT... for those who do care for me I am easier to get along with.

I have less reason to be angry.  That is because at this point in my life I have freed myself from doing most things I don't want to or being with people I simple don't care to.  Funny how the options of yeah  or nay reduce the potential for anger (which too often percolates to resentment).  I realize that when one is younger those options are not as available.  By example there is little choice of  who you work with or for when you are desperately trying to support your family.  But when you're older your terms are more comfortably your own.  Isn't that nice?

This is certainly not to say I am skipping around like the good fairy.  I harbor bits of  resentment towards some people and since I am a "grown up" I do still do things I don't want to... but... the depth and the duration of my anger is tempered with my life's experiences.  I have learned how to CHOOSE my battles and if I want to battle at all.