Day 275... Sadness (Part 2)

I suppose some of the sadness comes from realizing that there are going to be some elements I wanted for my life that I just don't have any more time for.  Actually there aren't that many I am relieved to say.  No, I'll never have more children but my daughter is the light of my life and has been from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  It was when she was born that I had some startling revelations:  I would give my life for hers and I might be able to cause serious harm or worse to anyone who ever really hurt her.  I look forward to her having children because I know being a grandparent is going to be something magical!

And... hmmmm... and what else? I think (and it might be my own mind protecting my emotions) that the one thing I am sad about as I approach 60 is that I'll never see my only sister again (she is 1 year younger than I).  She and I have been estranged for more than twenty years.  Wow!  The reasons why are far too personal for this forum at this time.  I do know where she lives.  I even know that she is married and to whom.  (No one can hide from anyone with the internet).  What I also know is that approaching her would be impossible and would probably bring more pain for each of us than we would choose to deal with.  And that is very very sad.  And what is sadder is that years and experiences have brought me to understand so much more about childhood, siblings, parenting, family dynamics and DYSFUNCTION and how dysfunction tears at the fabric of a family if not faced and dealt with.

I want to be able to say "I miss you.  I love you.  I'm sorry.  How are you?  I hope your life has been good to you...." I want to share so much with her.  She and I (and our family in bigger ways) had problems but the one thing I hold on to is that she and I good giggle together like know one else.  And, I, me, just me, could always ALWAYS make her laugh even during the worst times we shared and even when she didn't want to or didn't think she could.

We lost our brother about twenty years ago and since we were so far apart from each other (emotionally and physically) and our family unit (that is a stretch) really didn't exist at the time she and I couldn't share our grief or anything else.

Yes, this is the one thing I am sad about because there is no more time I can take for granted where someday I'm sure we'll talk again.  To have to face the fact that I will never see her again or know anything about how she is doing is very hard.  This IS a very sad realization to come to.  And it is a reality of aging.